I grew up in church and for the most part, I led an uneventful life. Radical was not an adjective that would have described me. You could describe me as the shy little kid who was perfectly happy alone. I did not cause many problems, at least not until I was an older teenager. Growing up in church my whole life I was taught what the bible said, I learned all of the stories that were popular for kids, but none of it held great meaning to me.
I can remember when I was eight years old, I was attending a vacation bible school, a weeklong event held over summer vacation where children are taught bible stories creatively or at least as creative as some of the older women of the church could make them at that time. I remember the games most, but I also remember the preacher telling us that if we were not a Christian we were going to go to hell. He described hell as a place of fire and pain and then he described heaven as a place of happiness.
The next day, motivated by not wanting to go to hell, I prayed as I was taught the night before, and asked Jesus “into my heart.” I really did not understand what it meant to ask Jesus into my heart. That whole concept seemed weird to me, but I had heard it said all of my life and if this was what was going to keep me out of hell I figured that I should not wait so on the front porch of my friends house I prayed. I remember telling them to “shut up” because I was praying. I am not sure I even knew what that meant.
What I wish I knew then is what I know now. I am a big fat sinner and I am not ashamed to admit it. When I was eight I had a vague idea of what sin was, but thirty years later I know that anything I do that is contrary to what God wants me to do is sin. When I get angry at my wife and son and express it without control, I sin. When my thoughts turn to my own desires and I treat others with disrespect, I sin. I know that I am not alone, all sin and fall short of the glory of God, but what I did not realize is that because of my sin, there was no way I could go to heaven. Yes, I realized because of the preacher’s description of hell that I did not want to go there, but what I believed that day was that I was being saved from hell. What I wish he had told me was that it was not hell from which I was being saved, it was from God’s wrath.
God cannot allow sin in His presence and since He is in heaven, there is no way a sinner can go to heaven. What we deserve because of our sin is death according to the Bible. However, God loved us so much that he provided a way for us to be saved from his own wrath and judgment. He sent His Son to take our place. Jesus, God’s Son accepted our punishment for the sin that we caused. The Bible tells us that he died in our place so we would not have to. The Bible also tells us that if we just accept that Jesus took our place and make Jesus the boss of our life we can be saved from God’s wrath and forgiven of our sins.
This is what asking Jesus “into your heart” is all about. Jesus is not living in me physically, but His Word, the Bible, His life, and His teachings do now fill me and remind me of the things that I do wrong, but they also encourage me because of the promise and the hope for the future. I no longer have to worry about death because I know that there is a hope for my future because through following the example that Jesus has given to us, I will go to heaven.
Had I known then what I know now, I may not have spent my high school years chasing after things to satisfy my search for happiness. Even in high school, I was a loner, even though I had many friends. I struggled with cigarettes, alcohol, and pornography. I rebelled against my parents and the whole time pretended to be something that I was not on Sundays when I went to church. My life was a lie and the whole time I told myself that I was just fine, because I prayed a prayer when I was eight.
Thankfully, God knows me better than I know him. He knew that I would run, He knew that I would act out against everything my parents had taught me, but He also knew how far to let me fall in order for me to see that I needed Him. Through Jesus, I was able to find what I was looking for in order to make me happy. It was that peace, which comes from letting go of the control of my own life and allowing someone else to lead. Yes, I still fail from time to time. Remember, I am a big fat sinner, but when I fail I know that God will not just choose to send me to hell, instead, His grace and forgiveness inspires me to try harder to not fail, not because of what more Jesus will do for me if I am a better person, but because of everything He already has done.
I am not unhappy it took me so long to understand what it truly meant to ask Jesus “into my heart.” Without my sin, it would have been more difficult to understand my need for Jesus to save me from myself and from God’s wrath and also, from hell. My sin also gives me insight into what others struggle with everyday. So my question for those of you reading this testimony is whether or not what I have shared makes any sense to you? Do you understand what it means to become a Christian? If you want to know more, let me know.
Rich